You want to know what hell is? Hell is being so attuned to the people around you that you can tell exactly how they’re reacting to you at every moment, but being completely incapable of doing anything to change it.
I’ve expended so much energy over the years trying to behave in a ways that will make me pleasant to be around, and a good friend.
For even years at a time I’ll do a pretty good job, and I’ll have friends and I’ll have to keep reminding myself to keep up the friendship. But eventually one of two things will happen: things will slack off to nothing and it will be up to me to get things going again, or I’ll fuck up somehow and the person will decide she no nolger wants my company. Then it will be up to be to make it up.
There’re all these movels and movies and memes about the power of female friendship. I look at them and I get it, but I also feel like–wow. That is not my life.
But really friendship is only part of the picture. Professional life is a whole other thing. I’ve had jobs where my prevailing feeling, underlying every interaction, is something’s wrong here. This doesn’t feel right. And this is what I think I’m feeling: I think I’m feeling people’s discomfort with me. Whether because of how I look or how I talk or how I smile or don’t smile. Or I’m feeling people simply disliking me.
Please don’t tell me that I can’t feel people disliking me. Because I’m just going to go ahead and put some trust in my own perceptions over several decades. All this time I’ve been trusting everyone else when they tell me I’m just imagining it, or I’m projecting my own discomfort. Beause you know what? Maybe it’s not actually paranoia when they really are out to get you.
I’m telling you truly right now: I weird people out. And to not weird people out is simply beyond my ken. And you know what else? Maybe I’m sick of trying.